Romanticizing the Military

It is no secret that I am a military spouse. I married my husband almost 8 years ago after he had already been in the military for 2 years. I knew when I married him that I would be giving up a lot of myself to follow him about while he followed his career. I chose to make sacrifices to be with him. I accept those sacrifices that our family of four must make.

With that said, Why is it that Americans feel the need to romanticise military families and the many trials of faith, loving, and sanity that our families must endure?

When I was a senior in high school in 1996, I ran into a former teacher of mine from 6Th grade. She told me that her son, who is 4 years older than me, was in the Marine Corps. She went on to tell me that he was deployed to Liberia on the Western Coast of Africa (https://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/geos/li.html). She noted that he would love to receive some mail from me.

I jumped at the chance! The thought of telling my friends in high school that I was writing to a United States Marine thrilled me.

I smiled at the thought of the Marine tired and dirty opening a perfume scented letter from me. He would read and then re-read the letter I wrote him and he would gaze longingly at my picture undoubtedly falling in love with me. I just knew I would write him everyday and think of him as I drifted off to sleep at night. We would fall in love, get married and I would move out to Camp Lejeune to join my Marine. I would attend coffees and spend my time sewing and supporting other wives. When he would come home from deployment, I would run to his open arms where we would kiss for hours.

What I had pictured was straight out of a movie...

I did write that Marine everyday for months on end. I did spritz perfume on the letters (he would later say that to this day when he someone walks past with that perfume on he can't help but think of me). He did call me while on R&R (Rest and Relaxation) from the Canary Islands. We fell in "love." I sent him pictures, he called me long distance. He hung my pictures up in his locker. I wore the "I Love My Marine" t-shirt he gave me. We were living the movie. We were living the military love affair.

My family and I went during my Spring Break my freshman year of college out to visit him. He came home on leave later that summer to visit me. We were inseparable. I dreamt of him at night - my lonely Marine. I talked about him constantly during the day.

His enlistment with the Marine Corp ended early Fall of 1997, just a little over a year after that first letter. I was so excited for him to come back home and be with me. That was until he actually got home. What I quickly found out was that I was in love with being In-Love with a Marine. I was not in love with him. I realized that I had totally bought into the romanticized imagine of dating a strong American Marine. I was in love with the Hollywood version of the Marine.

In actuality, we did not know each other at all despite having known each other since I was in 5Th grade. Our relationship did not end because he left the Marine Corp. Our relationship ended because we did not know each other and quite frankly I did not like the person that I was growing to know.

Fast forward a year later when I meet a man who is in the United States Air Force on the Internet. We meet by chance, definitely not by intent. He is stationed in Fayetteville, North Carolina and I am living in the Dallas, Texas. We talk for months and get to know each other. We become best friends. We tell each other everything in a very up-front fashion. We do not expect to ever meet.

Later the young Airman buys me a plane ticket to come see him in North Carolina for a 4-day weekend. It was a complete surprise to me. I get on the plane excited to meet my best friend face to face.

I walk off the plane and he is standing there in his camouflage uniform. I walk up to him, both of us with smiles on our faces. He scoops me up in his arms in a strong embrace. He whispers, "You're even more beautiful in person." He hugs me again. Then he very quietly whispers in my ear, "I Love You." The rest is history. We fall in love in short order. We get married 4 months and 1 day after I walked off of that plane.

I at this point am not in love with being in-love with an Airman. I am in love with my best friend who just happens to be in the military.

Our first year of marriage was great. I was quickly becoming involved on the base, volunteering for the squadron and base newspaper. I took him dinners late at night. I would cook for his whole shop who were working late into the night fixing jets. We would sleep into the afternoons and stay up all night. We took leave to go back home to visit my parents.

Then the phone call that would forever change our lives came.

While at my parents' home on vacation the phone rang. I knew something was wrong. My husband and I were standing in the kitchen when the ringing began. I looked at him as my heart dropped and then I said, "Those are your orders to Korea." He shook his head and looked at me like I was crazy. I picked up the phone to hear the voice of my husband's supervisor on the line. He simply said, "Is your husband there ma'am?"

I was right. He was given short notice orders to report to the Republic of South Korea for a One year tour without me. To say I was hysterical would be a gross understatement. We had been married slightly over a year at that point. We had no money to move me back home. We were living paycheck to paycheck. We went back to N.C. and then I found out that I was expecting our first child. He left shortly after I found out I was expecting. He got to hear the baby's heartbeat just before he left me for a year.

While he was gone, any idealistic romantic views I had of the military quickly dissolved. My husband and I assumed that the military would take care of his wife back home. I almost lost the baby while he was gone early in the pregnancy. No one came to my aide.

The moment my husband got on that plane, I ceased to exist to the military. Although I lived in military housing on base I received no help. I think back to those times and recall being a high risk pregnant woman outside 8 months pregnant mowing my large lawn with a push mower as military men sat on their front porches watching me. Not one of them offered to help.

My husband came home 2 weeks before I gave birth to our daughter in late May. He was allowed to come home for a month visit during that year. We were so happy to see each other after 7 months apart, until we found out that we would be footing the $1,000 plane ticket cost for him to come home to see me. We had assumed that the military had taken him away from his new family for a year, that the least they would do was pay for his mid-tour ticket home and back to Korea.

Our daughter was born with serious medical problems. She had hydrocephalus (http://www.hydrocephalus.org/) and Agenisis of the Corpus Collosum (http://www.umaine.edu/edhd/research/accnetwork/whatisacc.htm). Although our daughter was in grave danger, my husband was sent back to Korea leaving me alone in North Carolina post-partum with a C-section to care for our 2-week-old baby. I was lost. I had to drive her back and forth to the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill (3 hr drive) a number of times a week. My world was crumbling around me as I was only 23 years old and my husband was 1/2 a world away.

During this time, no one from the military contacted us. No one offered me help. I was back to mowing my own lawn just 3 weeks after I had the c-section. I would mow a small section and then literally run inside to check the sleeping baby. Back and forth I would run all afternoon mowing the lawn as to not get written up for grass that was too tall and kicked out of base housing.

None of this was Romantic or adventurous.

I was in essence a single mom living over a 1,000 miles away from home with a husband 1/2 way around the world with a baby with severe medical problems and I was being ignored by the only group of people I thought I could depend on - the military.

Since that time we have been stationed in Utah and in Texas. It has not gotten better. In Utah, my spouse was ridiculed by his direct supervision for not going to strip clubs with the guys and for "spending too much time with his wife." My husband has always done his job. He has also always left work at work. He is a family man and prefers to spend all of his free time with his wife and children. During his free time he has also worked for 7 years to graduate from college. The dedication he has had to his family and education has only brought him disapproval among most of his military peers.

Since we have been in Texas he has worked not on aircraft, but as a basic training drill instructor. While he, he has been called a variety of names for spending time with his family. He has been yelled at for accepting a call from me while I was pregnant and thought I was going into labor. He at times has worked 17-hour days, 7 days a week, for weeks on end with no break. He is by no means the best at what he does, but he is certainly not the worst. He has been criticized and ridiculed for caring too much about his family and for the basic trainees.

Meanwhile, I have received no support. I have not had coffees and sat around akin to the wives in the movie "We Were Soldiers." I have been lucky enough to find some friends on my own. I have been blessed to have a group of women who get together for play dates and girls' nights out. We four have made our own support system. But we cannot all help but feel like we have been forgotten and that there is no longer an esprit De corp.

One friend of mine, I'll call her Birdie, said today on the phone:

"We [military spouses] are reminded everyday that we are unwanted. We are reminded everyday that we are an unwelcome by-product of military men. I mean, even when we try to make a medical appointment for ourselves, we are reminded that the military member has priority and if there are no more appointments available, then we just better try again the next day."

Popular television shows like "The Unit" and movies like "We Were Soldiers" commonly portray the military lifestyle as glamorous. The strong American military men swoop in, shoot a few things up, and save the day; meanwhile back on the home front, the women sit around together drinking coffee and picking each other's children up at school. The families become like extended families and take care of each other. The women all sit around pro verbally waiting for "Johnny to come marching home again."

In actuality military families live real lives with real problems. While the military member is away we do not write letters everyday - there is no time. We have children to bath and get to school. We have homework and little league to deal with. We have snotty noses to wipe and well-baby check-ups to go to. We have dance classes to shuttle our kids to and from. Many of us are in college and have our own homework to deal with. We have laundry, bills, and housework to tend to. We have to maintain our vehicles and keep up a strong front for the children. We are the mothers and the fathers. We are too busy to be romantic.

I am proud of my husband and the job he does. I support him and will continue to be his best friend. I accept these challenges for him. He appreciates what I do for him, so every minute is worth it.

But the fact remains that military families are ignored, but we persevere and go on.

Our military life has not been all bad. We have made a few great friends along the way. We have lived comfortably and had some amazing experiences. We will retire from the life in 9 1/2 years after my husband has served a little over 20 years in the USAF.

But the question that keeps resonating in my mind is:
What happens if Johnny never comes marching home again?

~Rambling Jenn~

Footnote: please note that these experiences are my own and by no means reflect the experiences of all military families. As with everything, we all experience life differently and we all perceive it differently. This is simply my perception of the life we have lived.