Modesty isn't the Best Policy

I was told about a month ago by a neighbor and friend that I dress a little too "revealing." She went on to say that it wasn't bad, but she just wouldn't dress that way. And stated that she wouldn't want to draw attention to herself by showing her body like I did.

Mind you, I was wearing a knee length skirt and a scoop neck tank top. The tank top scooped down to show a bit of clevage. I would and have worn the same outfit to my child's school and my husband's squadron.

At first I was really worried that I was walking around looking like some kind of tramp without knowing it.

Then I was sad that my friend would think that I was trying to gain some type of attention from men with my dress like I was some attention starved insecure woman who can't get people's attention with anything other than her boobs.

Now, I find the whole premise ridiculous.

My husband recently found some OLD rolls of film that I never developed from high school. The curiousity got the best of him and he went to have them all developed (All $80 worth of developing).

Most of the pictures were insignificant and, quite frankly, lame.But in one roll there were pictures that a friend of mine who was older urged me to take when I was a Junior in High school.

I was very insecure in myself back then. I would always make comments on how ugly and fat I was. How undesireable I was. How pathetic I was with my fat body, ugly face, and over-bite.

I was really sad.

So one day she told me that we were going to the lake and to bring my bikini, "noone will be there to see you, lets just get a tan" Finally, I agree and took my bikini. When we got there in her car she told me that we would not leave until I agree to take no-less than 10 pictures of myself in a bikini so I could see "How beautiful" I was. It literally took her 2 hours to convience me, but finally I gave in and she told me how to sit and so forth.

I felt like a cow, a stupid cow at that. I took the film home promising to develope it, but I never did -- Scott did!

Scott brought the pictures home with a funny grin on his face and all he did was hand me the pictures. When I looked down it all came flooding back to me. As I flipped through the pictures I realized that I had not been some disgusting cow with a horrid overbite and a attrocious face. I realized that I was pretty hot for a 17-year-old girl

I no longer have that body. I have wrinkles forming around my eyes now. My hair isn't as shiny as it used to be. I have a mommy tummy from having 2 kids. My boobs aren't as perky as they used to be from nursing my son for over a year.

What I wouldn't do to rewind time and enjoy the body I had. I don't mean being some tramp or anything, but I would have worn bikinis swimming. I wouldn't have dressed like a 40-year-old at 17. I would have walked with my head up and shoulders back. I would have had confidence in myself!

So now I have pledged to enjoy my body. My 29-year-old mother of 2 children, 5'8" 185 lb body. I'm curvier now. My hair is different in texture. I have stretch marks. I have big feet. I have an overbite.

But I am me! Like It or Not! I will not appologize for who I am or what I look like!

All of that makes me who I am. I am me with my big blue eyes, my muscular legs. With my wide smile. With my curvey hips. With my dark brown hair with no gray.

I vow to enjoy who I am right now.

Just as I look back at myself 12 years ago and say, "Damn, I wish I STILL look like that, I was HOT!" I know I will in 12 years look back at my 29-year old self and say "Damn, I wish I still look like that, I was a Hot Mama!"

Am I every man's fantasy? NOPE... Was I every teenage boy's fantasy 12 years ago? NOPE... Will I be every middle-aged man's fantasy in 12 years? Probably NOT!

But I am going to enjoy my body today, be thankful for what I looked like before and look forward to what I will look like tomorrow -- cleavage and all!

~Rambling Jenn~